AGOOEYMESS

Random, but i like dual titles. its just fun. i think rocky and bullwinkle used to do that. ahhh anyway

i've been thinking on this one for a while, and i guess its finally coming down to getting it out of me.

I am guilty. I'm guilty of a lot of things actually, but one that has been eating at me recently is this... i have embraced humility for a long while. I do find it to be an incredible quality, of that there is no doubt, but if i was honest with myself, i have used humility to cover insecurity and self doubt.

I find myself more and ore fascinated by insecurity. A good friend of mine told me he has noticed it a lot in single family homes and broken homes. coming from a broken home i can say at least from my end, this is true. It's so easy. unfortunately there are after school specials and so many cliches, but its really true... the haunting thought, is it my fault, am i not good enough, if i would have been better they would have loved me, if, if, if, if, if, there is one person to blame but myself, i must not be good enough, cant anyone like me? in a broken home a child doesnt get what it needs to function. i dont like to think i had it bad, because in a lot of ways i didnt, but in some ways i did. i grew up in a neighborhood where there were no kids. parents divorced young, abuse, i never learned social functions, how to make friends, school life was atrocious, i could have been no better hand picked from birth to end up in the cliques i did, careening toward self destruction. i had an appetite for it. after all, with as bad as things were, i'm sure i would have been happy if they were to end sooner.

ey, i knew i'd get long winded. anyway to get more back on track, i have been hiding my self doubt and insecurity inside of humility for a while. i want to be done with it. and i think i will be. or i'm going to work on it.

a good friend of mine once told me that there really is no battle. and i think i just need to embrace that. rather than trying to be good enough (which is really still insecurity, its just striving not to fall on the wrong end of it, its the flip side of the battle), i'm going to forget battle. i'm putting down the weapons and walking away from the war. i'm going to accept the simple fact that things are the way they are. i am a human being. by nature flawed, but i can be no more perfect in this moment than i am right now in this moment. i am going to forget trying to affirm myself and leave that up to my creator. i'm going to walk tall. i'm going to accept who i am. the mess that i am. the person that i am that screws things up and makes mistakes, yet also gets some things right from time to time.

there was a saturday night live skit. i think the guys name was stuart smiley or something close to that. he always looked in the mirror and said, i'm good enough, smart enough, and people like me. or some other such bs. i guess he typifies people like me, who have decided to take another direction to cope with the pain that self doubt brings.

i think look in the mirror is 1/2 of the problem. insecurities and self doubt comes with the shackle of self focus. it's the same with vanity... except vanity a person likes what the see. each are an over focus on ones self. one thinks too well and the other thinks too little. it's funny... i've never heard anyone suggest daily disaffirmations for a vain person.... excuse me you think too much of yourself, so every morning get up and say... you're not good enough, you're not smart enough.

i'm going to shatter the mirror.