IF?

Posted by Blogger X comments (0)

if i died today
if i wept you'd say
if i slipped tomorrow
and broke into sorrow
if i ran a long time
but did not finish the line
if i lost, if i failed
did it all but was nailed
if it matters
if it doesnt
if i will, if i wont
if does not exist
just a mere twist
of reality you'll see
what was, was
what is, is
what will be will be
if is just a limitless posibility
that robs you blind
of your sane mind

have you seen that flick yet? great movie. my favorite park is when tony stark is telling pepper that he should have died, and he had been given this new life to do something with. he had purpose. he said there was only the mission.

much the same when we are reborn in Christ we experience death and rebirth. and the fact of the matter is we deserved to die. we were given this new life and there should only be the mission.

it wouldnt be a very good story if tony stark had come back and not done anything different... so lets not do the same things we have done, lets break out of this cycle and be amazing heros.

ok here i pose the most elementary theory to date.  there is something wrong with the way we live.  probably a lot more than just something.  maybe like a whole freaking ton of things.  but i guess that's to come later


go ahead, google some info here.   over half of the prescriptions given today are for antidepressants, over half!  that beats out pills for heart disease, erectile dysfunction, the common cold.  everything all put together!

then fox news reports that 46% of americans at one point in their lives will have some form of mental illness.  

are there really that many people that are messed up?  or perhaps we can take another look at this.  the society that we are living in is not how we are supposed to live.  the pressures that are put on us to sucseed, the competition, the work load, the busyness, the disconnect.  its just not how humans are supposed to live.  

take it another step further and weed out all thos on prescrition medication and those who at one point in their lives or another will have a mental illness.  now lets see who is left over.  i'm betting half are self medicating with drugs, alcohol, pornography, or other various mental escapes from what we consider the real world.

think of the matrix, there were those who rejected the system.  what if this is our way of rejecting the system.  but the system says there is nothing wrong with the system, and that we need to take medication in order to deal with it.  please dont for a second thing i actually speak of something like the matrix, it was just an analogy.

i realize that the days of yesteryear are often looked on with gleamy eyes and we pear back to an existence that never was.  but i dont for one second think that 1/2 of the people that lived back yonder were mentally ill.  i dont for one second think that they just missed out on taking all of this medication but they really needed it.  come on now.  what are we doing to ourselves to drive us to these points?

ok so furthermore... if we are flawed due to the fall.  if at heart we are messed up, screwed up, weird individuals, then how could we possibly become more than what is in our nature to be?


we put on these shiny coats of normalcy and pretend that we are like what we perceive everyone else to be... normal.  we try to keep up with everyone else to maintain the same normalcy that they seem to have.  but it's not normal, it's not reality.  the reality is that we are flawed, we do not have it all together, we will never have it all together.

but what is this? humility.  it's a wonderful gift.  what is the opposite?  self pride. the only thing self pride will achieve is a way over estimated opinion of ones self.  because if one is flawed but yet starts to think that one is not flawed, then what is it but a denial of ones self.


for most of my life there has been a war going on in my mind.  i have never felt good enough to be loved.  i have never felt smart enough.  never felt as attractive.  and at some point in my life there was a voice that came along and said that "you are good enough"  and all the other things that are ego boosters or whatever. 


thats when the war really started.  it seemed like i didnt know who my real enemy was.  i labelled the other voice self doubt and gave it a bad image, while the other voice i said was the real me.  it was the me that believed in myself.  the me that said i was good enough and worth just as much as everyone else was.

to be clear.  i never thought i was better than anyone else.  it is just that i never thought i was as good as anyone else.

thanks to a wonderful friend of mine i now understand who the real me is.

the real me is the person who is not good enough.  the person that is not attractive, the person that is not smart.

all of this time the voice that was saying yes you are was just me trying to be someone i am not.  

i have heard the word so many times but i never grasped what it meant.  and since i never associated myself with being arrogant i always assumed i was being humble.  but thats who the real me is.  and its ok.  because i dont need to feel as good as anyone else.  i now know that it's ok to be humble.  that i dont have to compare myself to this lives standards.  i dont have to live in a constant battle between selves.  i can live in humility and acceptance.  it's such a wonderfully freeing thing.  

i am not likable.... but there are those who like me

i am not worthy.... but there are those in my life that look past that

i am not a good person.... but i am covered by grace

i am not capable of controlling my circumstances... but God will see me through

now that i have submitted to who i really am i have found it completely freeing. i dont need to worry if i am doing something that people will like because i dont have to be likable.  not that it means i will intentionally do things that people dont like.  it's just i'm free to be who i am without worrying about what people think of me.

i dont have to worry about the clothes that i wear and if they fit in with the cool kids.  i dont have to worry about my hair and if its the right style.

no i realize this is all very elementary, but for me this was an astounding epiphany.  

what a wonderful ride.


just a short note here. are you a fan of hamburger as much as i am? i love grilling up burgers during the summer. great stuff! but i dont know why it is that we must be decieved in order to buy meat.

did you know that fresh looking hamburger that you buy at your local store is tampered? you know hows its all red and juicy and bloody? looks good huh? well of course its a lie. meat is not red and bloody like that. well at least not the meat that you buy at the stores that you shop in. once you open up the package and cut into the meat you will see its actual color and texture. a sort of drabbish grey pink color. but in order to sell us meat and to make it appear fresher there is a solution that is applied to it.

why? do we seriously have to be led into thinking that meat doesnt look like meat in order to buy it? cant we just sell it as it actually is? is it necessary to dumb people down or to change reality????

i guess it is because we have become a society of people who are not what they are. everything is fake and real is a rare beautiful thing.

i mean that.  i hope that God blesses our country.  i hope an amazing thing happens in our country that reverts us back to a culture with meaning and depth.  it's just not what i see right now.  we were founded on such great ideals.  our justice system was fantastic.  i dont care if you say it's flawed or not, everything is flawed anyway.  our justice system was about as good as it gets.


what would you think of a country that held people without a trial or being charged and held them for an undisclosed amount of time?  what would you say about a country that went into peoples houses and did searches without authorization?  or listened in on conversations?

we are doing that.  we are being herded into the butcher shop without ever even knowing that we are being herded.  we have given up our freedoms and our privacy.  

we used to be respected in the world and admired.  the greatest country on earth.  but now through fear (which is a sin remember) we have created a nation that is looked down upon and looked at like a bully.  we have let the patriot act go through which gives our government the right to search houses without a warrant, they can do wire tapping without authorization.  we are storing people without ever charging them for crimes and we're holding them for an indefinite amount of time.  we couldnt even do it on our own country because then they would be called prisoners of war.  so we set aside a place outside of our country and are calling them detainees so we can get around international treaties.

what the heck?! i friend of mine at work argues with me.  he tells me that since he's not doing anything wrong that its ok for people to listen in to his phone conversations and search his house... because he's not doing anything wrong.  it's an invasion of privacy.  where exactly is it that our freedoms come in to play here?  or to what limit are we willing to give up our freedoms to be safe from a buzz word??

in the 60s 70s and 80s it was communism.  today it's terrorism.  i dont know what it will be in 20 years.  but people get in such a frenzy that they are willing to give up our rights over a fear tactic!

i'm sure you know that we now have a preemptive strike policy right?  let me ask you a question, when you were in school and there was a fight, what was the first question asked?  who started it... whoever started it was to blame right?  now you could say 1 kid started it by calling another kid names.  but that instigation was by no means worthy of having teeth punched out.  if we're going to be the best country on earth we need to act like a mature country.  

i know there were attacks on our national soil.  it was a terrible thing and i hope it never happens again.  but we can not tour the world bombing other countries at our own free will.  taking people from their homes and holding them without a trial.  the only thing this will do is create a much larger national security risk.  

the founding ideals of our justice system is that a man is entitled to his day in court.  to defend himself from what he is being accused of.  hes not called a defendant for no reason. its the same as a fight... you fight to defend yourself.  if you take away a mans ability to defend himself, then he can be accused of anything at all!  

now i know most people in this country have a very limited view of other countries.  somehow they are dehumanized.  we dont care about the atrocities in other regions, as long as they are not happening here.  thats why we let our corporations go overseas and take advantage of sub standard employment.  if we were working 8 year old kids 80 hours a week for $5 the news would be all over it.  but overseas... no.  as long as we get cheap things we will overlook whats happening.

but they are people! they are just as worthy of all the things that you are.  our moral standards should not change because we hit an imaginary border line for a country.  what is right and true crosses all lines.  

and for those people out there that say the ignorant statement of lets nuke them or bomb them, you should think again.  you have no right to somehow elevate yourself over someone because they are in another country... why do you think we are looked down on?  part just for that attitude!
 
most people in other countries are just like you and me.  they get up in the morning put their clothes on, go to work, and try to provide for their families.  if you think that every person in a country is just ready to fight fight fight i'm sorry you're sadly mistaken and your alarm needs to go off so you'll wake up.  as a country we are full of so many uninformed voters its not even funny.  think you're smart?  name every position holding person in your state and local government.  i bet you cant.  guess what?  they are the same way.  they have enough to do with just surviving and getting by.  but if you still think its ok to nuke them all... you need to be put in a looney bin.  to kill innocent blood is wrong!

2 more topics i'd like to touch on and i'm out

1... our goal of "de-arming the enemy line"  or however its put.  the basic idea is to dehumanize war.  to take the human element out of our hands.  bad F***ing idea!  look, it is wonderful we have our vets.  they come back with stories of the horrors of war.  they lived it.  they will tell you it was awful! now if we didnt have people experiencing that.  if we didnt have people seeing guys get their heads blown off or having to deal with the fact that they shot a child we wouldnt have to suffer the horror of war.  if war from our side is played on a video game, then there is nothing to stop us, no trigger that says enough, we can wipe out an entire town.  we must not dehumanize war!  the human factor must be there to keep it in check.

and the second one here relates hand in hand.  i was discussing this with a friend of mine about Guantanamo bay.  he said we can not let them go because they would just go back and kill more of our soldiers.  now my first thought is what are we going to do?  keep them all of forever?  or just kill them?   sigh... but my point to him was this.  we have to let those people go.  if they go back to fight us, then fine let our forces take them down on a battlefield or in combat.  he said... well what if we let them go and they kill one of our guys....

now heres the point people and please understand.  let me say a few things so that you will know me better... i am an independent.  i voted mccain for the abortion issue and basic tax issues.  i am not for war.  but i do love our soldiers.  anyone that is willing to be in the service is doing good as far as i'm concerned.  but the flat out fact of the matter is that in war there is death!  there must be.  on both sides.  it is how we know what we are fighting for and whether or not it is worth it.  think about it.  if we could go to war and not have a single casualty, what would happen?  we would be willing to go to war for anything.  it wouldnt be hard.  there would be no heavy price to pay.  and therefore we would be more and more apt to go to war.

there are people on both sides of the fence in the war on iraq.  we've lost something like 1 or 2 thousand soldiers.  that is terrible as it is.  but let me ask you this.  in ww2 we lost 406,000 soldiers and 600,000 were wounded.  would you be willing to lose the same amount for the war on iraq?  would the war in iraq be worth it to lose that many american lives?  i'm guessing a lot of you are answering no.  there would be outrage, people would be flooding congress saying stop!  now what if we went to iraq and lost no lives?  would anyones head perk up?  would anyone say stop?  whats the big deal if we arent losing people?

war is hell as they say.  and it has to remain that way.  it is what it is.  dehumanizing it would make it so far more worse and cruel then we could ever think about.  we were made with hearts  for a reason and we need to use them.

ever seen the stickers on cars that say "aint skeered" or "no fear"?

i will refrain from voicing my opinion on the actual stickers themselves, only to say that either the person who created them is a genius, or just had a moment of greatness out.

how about this on

John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

to put it plainly... fear = sin

fear is a sin, and sin causes fear.

in the garden adam hid from God. he was afraid of God, because he had sinned. fear seperates us from God.

what do we have to fear besides God? God is our creator, and savior. if we are saved through Christ do we have anything to fear? the mightiness of God is enough to cause fear yes. and that is always to be respected and given it's rightful place. but fear aside from that is sin.


afraid you wont get that promotion? how about that new house? loan wont come through for the car you want? are you going to be able to pay your mortgage payment?

thats fear. Gods plans are perfect for you. He asks tough things from time to time, but if we submit and accept His plans and do not fear what is in store for us (besides ultimately we will submit one way or another), it keeps us from seperation from God as well as keeping us joyful for His acts and works in our lives.

Matthew 6:26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

we are taken care of. it is often how we misperceive our needs when we get confused. especially living in america. we are a spoiled nation that has forgotten the face of it's father (to borrown from the dark tower). the feeling of entitlement and the craving to have and consume has given us a spirit in which we have set God aside to have the newest deteriorating things. what do we need to live, to really live? look around the world and you will see examples of how little it takes to live. if you do not have a new bmw you will not die. if you do not have a new armani something or other... it's going to be ok.

fear is in the bible 326 times. most of which is either preceeded by "do not" or fear God.

a friend of mine one time told me that there are going to be two outcomes of a given situation. 1 you will live through it. 2 it will kill you.

now given all of the situations that we are in even on a daily basis.... we are going to live through the overwhelming majority of these situations right? ok if we live through it then we can check that box off. even if its something painful, its only temporary. in two ways one is that our bodies are temporary, the other is... think about something painful you went through... can you actually remember the physical pain? no, its gone. it's as fleeting as this life!

ok.. if we die from the 1 given situation that will take us out of this life... we're covered right? if you believe in Christ and have a relationship with him you are covered. so check that off your list.


so really, cant we all say aint skeered?

i attend the vineyard group of churches and enjoy it very much. i came from another denomination, at least in a way. i had gone to a church for a time period, but wasnt committed and didnt have a heart for it. when i found the vineyard it really just clicked in me. it's a great movement that is going on in this country.

if you've ran in any sort of church circles, well scratch that, if you have grown up in america you know there has been a lot of animostiy between the different denominations. i have even hear people at the vineyard speak ill of different denominations. it is not the norm. most people at the vineyard are very open and embrace our brothers and sisters of other faiths. my pastors even starts our service every sunday praying for the other churches that meet in our community. just the same i do not believe it is the norm of other denominations either. maybe slighty more prevelant in some. and i know there have been some pastors or preists that have come out against certain denominations.

i disagree with all of this. i think most of it stems back to fear. sometimes people feel that they have to justify themselves. in order for them to be right someone else has to be wrong. with this mentality if i order a steak and someone else orders a salad the salas eater must be wrong for me to be right (rabbits are rarely wrong from my experience). if someone buys a dell and i buy a mac, the dell user would have to be wrong (dang it macs are so awesome!). every little thing would have to come down to a right and wrong.

while i believe that there are certain concrete right and wrongs. i also believe that we are responsible for ourselves. and the only thing that we need for justification is God. we do not have to berrate people or tell people they are wrong. we do not have to say since you jump around in church or since you sit quietly you are not doing it right. we need to grow into a mature faith of acceptance of other denominations for their differences. if the body of the church shows the world animosity between its own denominations, all we are doing is showing the world to the world. we are supposed to be different than the world. accepting those not acccepted, embracing those not embraced. loving those not loved and helping those not helped. but if we cant even do that with our own brothers and sisters what hope is there to do it with the rest of the world?

i hear a lot of talk about unity. which is great. but usually when i hear it, it's used in a manner of saying... "we need unity, God wants unity, so you are supposed to stop what you're doing and join us because we're right"

are we not unified in Christ? are we not unified in our mission to spread the good news?

so before you say something about a denomination stop and think about it. is what you are saying furthering the the body of christ? or is what you are saying tearing it apart. are you saying it for your own gain? so you can justify yourself by saying another is wrong? remember, if you find yourself being spiritual fed one place and not another, the other person might feel the same way.

if writing a formal letter i will use correct capitalization. if communicating with a customer i will use capitalization. writing a blog... i will not. i was watching the science channel the other day and they had an episode on about the brain in which they said humans can think at a rate of 100,000 words per minute. so no matter how fast i type i wont be able to keep up... but i sure am not going to let capping an i or first letter of a sentence slow me down more. the only time you'll see it is when i feel it is absolutley important to convey a message.... GO IT?

This will be my first official mess i'd say.


I have insomnia.  Haven't been able to sleep.  Turn the computer off right?  

Anyway, while not being able to sleep I sit here and think and there are a couple things that happen to pop into my mind.  So we'll just go for it... ready... set...

Ha, jumped before the Go.

Ok so abortion really facinates me.  Not facinates in a oh wow thats so neat way, but rather a I cant wrap my mind around it way.  But let me back up and say my heart goes out to anyone tha has had an abortion.  i cant imagine the pain and suffering that it's caused and i so wish i could reach in and touch their lives.  It is often looked at as an unforgivable sin.  I just dont buy into that.  i think they need love and support.  So before anyone thinks that i am bashing people here see the previous disclaimer.

wrapping my head around it-  the doctors who preform them.  i could see a doctor that is hardened going into the field thinking he is helping the person who is asking for one. i could even see the doctor preforming one.  but i cant see after the first one how he or she wouldnt throw up and realize what they have done.  it's the continuing on part that i dont understand.  to do it day in and day out.  Sucking babies out with a tube with so much force it rips the arms, legs and head off.  or burning it alive with a solution, or chopping it up to bits?  i cant get that.  i tried to find some statistics on how many abortion doctors have kids.  couldnt find any.  did find a couple interesting articles on doctors that gave up the practice.  i just image it is such a horrible surreal thing.

next up, in my randoms searches on abortion i came across an article that stood up for the right to choose.  i loved it!  still cant wrap my head around this crap either.  send me some hate mail and let me know why i am just an unevolved man.  but in this article the person gives count of a woman who had an affair and got pregnant.  she didnt want her husband to find out, so she had a back alley abortion and ended up dying from it.  and the person said that if abortions had been legal that she wouldnt have died.

i am very sorry the woman died.  it's a terrible thing.  but lets face facts.  if she wouldnt have had an affair she wouldnt have died (well at least not because of that)  and if she wouldnt have been afraid to tell the truth she wouldnt have died.  so the defense of the pro choice movement in this case is just baffling.  

cant wrap my mind around this stuff.  what happened to the american dream?  was it a dream i had?  at one point in time wasnt it noble to do the right thing?  werent people admired for doing the right thing? or telling the truth, or facing their actions?  when did we trod on down the dellusional path that there are no consequences to our actions?  it's just freaking plain physics people!  and we wonder why our kids are so messed up?  tell them everything you want!  tell them not to steal but sure, download movies and music for free.  tell them not to lie, but when you get pulled over by  a police officer, lie to get out of the ticket.  tell them not to use drugs, but medicate yourself with booz, pills, and porn.   

i think our society has had an aboriton on itself and we're the left over aftermath.

a couple more things....

i'm not a downer, just a jaw dropped individual that gets caught up in these glimpses of life that i cant turn away from.  like watching a car wreck or a fire, or a really bad sitcom.

i do believe there is hope.  i believe there are wonderful people in this world that are trying to shine and light others on the way.  I believe in the mighty sovereign God and Lord Jesus Christ.  I know that having said that opens me way up to personal attacks at my intelligence all the way down to my spelling... and i'm ok with that :)  but asa i was saying, i believe there is hope and i want to be a hope bringer too.  i want to strive to be someone that can be looked at and said, hey he's doing something different.  i think we should amass an army of doing something different people.  the DSD army!  join us.  "you made them strong, we made them DSD strong"  i just really need help here people. 

some thoughts to go out on here...
 
why is it that if a woman is driving to get an abortion and gets hit by a drunk driver and killed... the driver can get 2 counts of vehicular homicide?

why is it a man has no say in the matter of an abortion?  

would you like knowing that someone had the power to terminate your child without your consent?

i know i touched on a lot here that all deserves it's own special time, and it will get that.  until then...

stay gooey

first post

Posted by Blogger X comments (0)

Ok so maybe the first post should be explaining the title.  I'm not good with titles, just kind of drew a blank.  Then i started thinking of what i'd be doing, just spilling some random thoughts out.  And started thinking, hey i wonder what that would look like. Probably pretty messy if you could see thoughts spilling out from my head, or seeping out my ears like pancake batter.  so hence the name.


Have a lot to say, and i figure no place better than on the internet where millions of people will probably never read it (it's easier than paper and my hand writing sucks)

Or 

Pretty simply put... i'm a gooey mess.  I think everyone is.  We walk around in these bags of flesh, admittedly some of them are better looking than others, but at the end of the day when we lay down we're just bags of flesh holding a soup of all kinds of things.  and thats not the messy part.  the messy part is when we crack open the skull and look inside to see what we've done with the place.  I like to observe people and things.  so i guess we'll see what i observe...

all for now folks.

fb

About this blog

Copyright 2009 - AGOOEYMESS

Blogspot Theme designed by: Ray Creations, Ray Hosting.