AGOOEYMESS

Of all the things in life to discuss and think about, i think the best is life itself.

I think of a person with amnesia. It's kinda fascinating to me. All of the sudden someone has no idea who they are or how they got to where they are. Its the basic question it seems. Who am i? What am i doing here?

The questions seem to dull with age, but i dont think they should. As if we are ever capable of knowing who we really are, and what we are really doing here. I think we should constantly search. But it seems like a lot of people have been pulled away from digging the treasure of these questions to be trapped in the mundane life of watching tv.

I think life should be a frantic search, trying to piece it all together like an amnesia patient. Not growing comfortable with the small miracles like the wind against the skin, or the smell of a flower. Learning and growing. Why would we ever stop?

To Own a Dragon- Reflections on growing up without a father- Donald Miller

I like Miller's writing style as it is, but this book was just fantastic. I think he speaks for a fatherless generation.

Kids who grow up knowing their fathers have that identity. Its a known factor. Those without are always looking to fill that role and in different places.

His first father he freely admits was a dr who always wore bright sweaters, named... dr huxtable off the cosby show.

Whatever family situation youve grown up it, it's a fascinating read

I've never really thought much of myself. never considered myself very important. you could say it was my upbringing i guess. but it's not as if i'm upset. i dont place the blame for it on anyone. if there had to be a reason i am sure that would be one of the reasons those. it's just the way things have been and i've always accepted it.

the odd thing though, which i am trying to wrap my head around is this. you're reading this. well, i cant even assume that much, but the fact is i am writing this, on a public blog, public forum.

it holds in it some sort of arrogance, as if i feel that i have something worth being read. but i dont feel like that? but yet i write for it to be read?

maybe it's just insecurity. maybe i want to be someone that is worth reading, or someone that is worth something. but maybe i'm afraid to think its important, because i dont want to be tricked. i dont want to have the foot ball pulled away as i kick it and i go flying.

Honestly, that was a huge problem i had with God, and if i was being honest, maybe i still do.

I always felt like the minute i being to trust, its the minute i get let down. the minute i get hurt. and that God would just be like that too.

I felt like charlie brown and lucy and i kept running the same play over and over again.

I think more over i felt like adam in the garden, after the fall. hiding in the branches, worrying that maybe God isnt good. maybe He doesnt love me.

i dont really fully know what changed my mind or heart. ive met a lot of people that i trust.

I think grace plays a big role in to that too. knowing that given a long enough period of time, everyone will let me down, but knowing that it's not necessarily my expectations that are what is important, combined with the fact that i will let everyone down as well. and the only thing that i can hope is they grant me grace, as i will them.

the golden rule, treat others as you want to be treated.

i dont really think it's meant to be subjective. i dont think that it means, make someone a sandwich with light mayo cause that's what you'd like.

i think more of it speaks of mercy and grace. if someone comes before you seeking forgiveness, forgive, because if you were asking forgiveness, you would want it. if someone is seeking help, help, because if you were asking you would want it. treat others how you would want to be treated (in the situation they are in).

sigh. my words seem so pointless.

i wish i were a poet. but i dont even think they can capture the beauty of one heart reaching out towards another. love, mercy, understanding, kindness. the more that i practice them the more i want them, the more i am unsatisfied with anything else.

One of my favorite songs, very simple

The Lark Ascending Or (Perhaps More Accurately, I'm Trying To Make You Sing)

And I'm trying to make you sing
From inside where you believe
Like it's something that you need
Like it means everything

And I'm trying to make you feel that
This is for real, that life is happening
That it means everything
I'm just trying to make you sing

Wow, that title is just nasty huh? It even felt a bit weird typing it out.

Hate is just such a weird thing.

I was having a wonderful discussion this morning with someone and we were discussing abortion. It pains me to think of the stereo type that has fallen on Christians. And it pains me even more that it is fitting a lot of times due to how they act.

I have literally heard Christians talk about those baby killin women and how they are going to go straight to hell. How they are just the scum of the earth.

I honestly cant help but think of the woman that was going to be stoned. I imagine Jesus walking through a crowd that has gathered, yelling and cursing at a woman who has had an abortion. I picture Him making His way through to the middle. Kneeling down next to her, asking her if she is ok. Whispering to her that it will be alright. Then standing up to the crowds and telling them phrase heard time and time again, whoever is without sin let him cast the first stone.

What of the parable of the person who had been forgiven, but yet refused to forgive?

these things just seem to all come rushing in.

A lot of times when i speak up for someone who has had an abortion i get put down. or i'm accused of being too soft, or too forgiving. That Gods righteous judgement will fall on these people. Sometimes i really think that the people who are saying these things are actually awaiting the grounds to tear open as they say it.

Seems to me Gods righteous judgement has already been passed.

Maybe God made things too simple? Because we seem to need them to be complicated. or maybe it's just in our fallen nature to complicate things.

but here is what doesnt make sense. and i'll try to put this in some sort of equation .

A= woman who has sinned

B= telling her that she is trash

C= salvation and forgiveness of sins.

a+b just doesnt seem to add up to c

actually, most people i know will not go to where they are not wanted. think about it. would you want to go somewhere that you knew people disliked you? ok maybe you like to cause trouble, but even if you went just to cause trouble it wouldnt mean you wanted to spend time there. to recharge there.

this makes a little more sense to me

a= sinful people

b= loving relationships

c= salvation and forgiveness of sins

a+b=c

It seems to me there are a couple different thought patterns here. Let me use boats to illustrate this.

with 1 thought group, you have 2 different boats. you have the people who have accepted Christ in one boat. and those who havent in another. Now some people from the boat who have accepted Christ... they have no idea how they got there. they are just there. and if you asked them, they would just tell you, the people on the other boat are screwed. there is no way to switch boats. which develops a superiority mindset.

these are the people that you hear trashing non believers. that have no love for others. that believe they are a select few that somehow got on the right boat and well, you're not. (truth be told they would probably enjoy kicking people off their boat as well)

unfortunately i see people like this. i know people like this. and the more time passes it seems the more they grow. these boats dont have to just be religious either. they can be political, or anything else really. its an us vs. them mentality

I like a different view. And it think this is what Jesus would have drawn us.

i think we're on in the same boat (i have been just dying to say that)

I think there is 1 deck to our boat, we're all on the same floor plan. i think that some people are lost inside the rooms, while other people are outside sunning, swimming, playing music, theres just a big party going on. With a master MC who is utterly excited about the party. and every time someone comes outside from being lost inside, everyone screams and shouts and the party just starts bumpin more. There are people holding the doors open, there are people shouting in to other people "come to the party! you're invited!" Theres even an urgency because if the people havent found the outside by the time the ride is over, they will be trapped inside forever.

I dont know, its saturday, i'm bored, my mind wanders

but lets get rid of the negative things. lets get rid of chasing people away.

It's been an interesting couple weeks. I feel like i've been surrounded by dirty things, things that are hard to scrub off, arrogance, bitterness, compassionless people.

A friend of mine once told me i just like to argue. maybe that is the case. I seem to be good at it a lot of the time. but maybe it is that i just like to stick up for the other side, often i'll take the opposing side in a debate even though i understand what the person i am debating with is saying. i try to wrap my mind around whatever i can. and usually i can find i can relate in some way or another, or at least try to put myself in someone elses shoes a bit.

This week i got to listen to someone tell me about kids that play basketball in the street, on a dead end street. how terrible they are because they dont move right away and use foul language, and above and beyond, that these kids parents (even though it is unknown who they are) are bad parents and bad people.

now i'm going to estimate 6 kids here, and lets say all of them are from single parent homes, so lets say 6 parents. without any actual knowledge of the parents. and no more knowledge of the kids than they play basketball in the street, and dont move quick enough when a car is coming, and use foul language, 12 people were written off completely, bad people, people that are somehow less.

a step further, i heard someone speak ill of the poor, because they are abusing free cell phones for emergency situations.

a step further, i heard someone continually bash a political party that was opposite of the party they "belong" to. writing off an entire group of people as, stupid, bad people, heartless, and many other negative words.

Negative words make me sad. i think they are infectious. poisonous. i think that they some how speckle us, and if used often enough they envelop us and destroy the good words.

it is nothing less than arrogant to lower a group of people to a state that is less than. the fact of the matter is i am the one who plays basketball in the street (and so are you), i am the poor person (and so are you), i am the person with different political viewpoints (and so are you). at some point in my life and in some point in your life, we've been on the "other side". we've been the ones crying for mercy instead of justice. we've been the ones that have acted foolish, we've been the ones that have behaved selfishly.

i've often heard the term, bleeding heart (i am not associating it with a political party, even though that is where i believe it is mainly heard. i dont stand firm with either party), but what better thing could there be than a bleeding heart. compassion is moving.

if we fought fire with fire we would watch the whole world burn.

if we do nothing but hate, we become hate, and just find new reasons to hate.

i dont think we were ever meant for it. i dont think that we were ever meant for those things.

maybe i'm an idealist. maybe. but then again, if nothing means anything, why would we even be able to have ideals in the first place?

i think that's why i am so drawn to Christ. who he was really resonates in me.

to take a woman who was condemned and say no shes not

to get angry with arrogance

to appreciate those who are considered less than

to be compassionate in the face of persecution.

to be accepting of what life brings.

i cant help but thinking He was patient with the people He was dealing with, as like dealing with children. and i also cant help but thinking....

the people we run in to that "aggravate" us, what if we were patient with them, like we would be patient with our own children.

what if we were patient with the kids playing basketball in the street. what if we hoped for them instead of condemn them

what if we understood the poor, gave to them, not because they are less, but because we are equals and we know we would hope someone would help us in desperate times

what if we sought common ground in political parties, instead of exasperating the differences.

maybe i'm just an idealist

maybe i just like to argue

maybe i'm just an under dog fighting for whats right

maybe i just want to shower the speckles off

or maybe i'm just not busy at work today