for most of my life there has been a war going on in my mind. i have never felt good enough to be loved. i have never felt smart enough. never felt as attractive. and at some point in my life there was a voice that came along and said that "you are good enough" and all the other things that are ego boosters or whatever.
thats when the war really started. it seemed like i didnt know who my real enemy was. i labelled the other voice self doubt and gave it a bad image, while the other voice i said was the real me. it was the me that believed in myself. the me that said i was good enough and worth just as much as everyone else was.
to be clear. i never thought i was better than anyone else. it is just that i never thought i was as good as anyone else.
thanks to a wonderful friend of mine i now understand who the real me is.
the real me is the person who is not good enough. the person that is not attractive, the person that is not smart.
all of this time the voice that was saying yes you are was just me trying to be someone i am not.
i have heard the word so many times but i never grasped what it meant. and since i never associated myself with being arrogant i always assumed i was being humble. but thats who the real me is. and its ok. because i dont need to feel as good as anyone else. i now know that it's ok to be humble. that i dont have to compare myself to this lives standards. i dont have to live in a constant battle between selves. i can live in humility and acceptance. it's such a wonderfully freeing thing.
i am not likable.... but there are those who like me
i am not worthy.... but there are those in my life that look past that
i am not a good person.... but i am covered by grace
i am not capable of controlling my circumstances... but God will see me through
now that i have submitted to who i really am i have found it completely freeing. i dont need to worry if i am doing something that people will like because i dont have to be likable. not that it means i will intentionally do things that people dont like. it's just i'm free to be who i am without worrying about what people think of me.
i dont have to worry about the clothes that i wear and if they fit in with the cool kids. i dont have to worry about my hair and if its the right style.
no i realize this is all very elementary, but for me this was an astounding epiphany.
what a wonderful ride.
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