AGOOEYMESS

I've never really thought much of myself. never considered myself very important. you could say it was my upbringing i guess. but it's not as if i'm upset. i dont place the blame for it on anyone. if there had to be a reason i am sure that would be one of the reasons those. it's just the way things have been and i've always accepted it.

the odd thing though, which i am trying to wrap my head around is this. you're reading this. well, i cant even assume that much, but the fact is i am writing this, on a public blog, public forum.

it holds in it some sort of arrogance, as if i feel that i have something worth being read. but i dont feel like that? but yet i write for it to be read?

maybe it's just insecurity. maybe i want to be someone that is worth reading, or someone that is worth something. but maybe i'm afraid to think its important, because i dont want to be tricked. i dont want to have the foot ball pulled away as i kick it and i go flying.

Honestly, that was a huge problem i had with God, and if i was being honest, maybe i still do.

I always felt like the minute i being to trust, its the minute i get let down. the minute i get hurt. and that God would just be like that too.

I felt like charlie brown and lucy and i kept running the same play over and over again.

I think more over i felt like adam in the garden, after the fall. hiding in the branches, worrying that maybe God isnt good. maybe He doesnt love me.

i dont really fully know what changed my mind or heart. ive met a lot of people that i trust.

I think grace plays a big role in to that too. knowing that given a long enough period of time, everyone will let me down, but knowing that it's not necessarily my expectations that are what is important, combined with the fact that i will let everyone down as well. and the only thing that i can hope is they grant me grace, as i will them.

the golden rule, treat others as you want to be treated.

i dont really think it's meant to be subjective. i dont think that it means, make someone a sandwich with light mayo cause that's what you'd like.

i think more of it speaks of mercy and grace. if someone comes before you seeking forgiveness, forgive, because if you were asking forgiveness, you would want it. if someone is seeking help, help, because if you were asking you would want it. treat others how you would want to be treated (in the situation they are in).

sigh. my words seem so pointless.

i wish i were a poet. but i dont even think they can capture the beauty of one heart reaching out towards another. love, mercy, understanding, kindness. the more that i practice them the more i want them, the more i am unsatisfied with anything else.