I had to take a long break, i couldnt come to this point again. i dont want to whine, and that is all i would have done, or sobbed, or ached.
i hate to admit it but i do find inspiration in pain, but the incredible irony is that i want to hide away from the world, so the inspiration is meaningless because i dont want the audience that would be needed. i dont really want you to know me. but maybe i do. how much more twisted can it get than that? that i am afraid of you, but need you at the same time. i dont want to speak but i'm dying inside to yell at the top of my lungs? how broken am i.
damn, thats not what this is supposed to be about. it's really not, but i suppose i couldnt get away that easily. transition... i dont know how to transition this, i guess i can hope that this just comes off and seems creative..
transition
Love.
I was thinking last week, amid the ruins of so many things, i always go back to love, because it seems like thats where we fall from. So many issue stem from the inability or misunderstanding or even the flat out not caring.
How guilty am i? guilty enough to know that my soul sings at the mere thought of being forgiven.
i wouldnt be good at writing a directions manual. i couldnt do it. i would have people so turned in differet ways the would be sleeping in their sinks and doing their morning business in the washer.
but i am going to try here and now.
How to show love in a practical way
Lesson one
You are not better than anyone
Example one
When a telemarketer calls you up, dont be a duck (yes... duck... quack quack, you as the reader may insert whatever word you like). They have a job to do, just like you do, they no more want to go to work and have people treat them like dog excrement than you do, but somehow, it has become our national pastime in beating them (yes i'm guilty as well, i'm just trying to make the world a better place, and if that means i have to grow in order to do it, so be it). Lets go a step further, how about the overseas telemarketer, you know, the one you can barley understand and who would butcher your last name even if your last name happens to be smith? Think... Dell computer support.. there you go. is there any wonder why the world might think that the citizens of the united states of american are a bunch of ducks (quack quack)? i would not want to take the abuse a telemarketer does, but, i think i would rather spend a lifetime as one, rather than an outsources foreign one. seriously, what if you got up for work every morning (remember, that is the responsible thing to do, that is something to be admired), you take care of your family by doing what you have to do. you know, all day long you will be either misunderstood, put down, made fun of, hung up on, cussed out, and all of this by the worlds wealthiest people.... do you think you might get a chip on your shoulder after the first hour?
i am no good at writing directions, i knew i wouldnt be.
Random, but i like dual titles. its just fun. i think rocky and bullwinkle used to do that. ahhh anyway
i've been thinking on this one for a while, and i guess its finally coming down to getting it out of me.
I am guilty. I'm guilty of a lot of things actually, but one that has been eating at me recently is this... i have embraced humility for a long while. I do find it to be an incredible quality, of that there is no doubt, but if i was honest with myself, i have used humility to cover insecurity and self doubt.
I find myself more and ore fascinated by insecurity. A good friend of mine told me he has noticed it a lot in single family homes and broken homes. coming from a broken home i can say at least from my end, this is true. It's so easy. unfortunately there are after school specials and so many cliches, but its really true... the haunting thought, is it my fault, am i not good enough, if i would have been better they would have loved me, if, if, if, if, if, there is one person to blame but myself, i must not be good enough, cant anyone like me? in a broken home a child doesnt get what it needs to function. i dont like to think i had it bad, because in a lot of ways i didnt, but in some ways i did. i grew up in a neighborhood where there were no kids. parents divorced young, abuse, i never learned social functions, how to make friends, school life was atrocious, i could have been no better hand picked from birth to end up in the cliques i did, careening toward self destruction. i had an appetite for it. after all, with as bad as things were, i'm sure i would have been happy if they were to end sooner.
ey, i knew i'd get long winded. anyway to get more back on track, i have been hiding my self doubt and insecurity inside of humility for a while. i want to be done with it. and i think i will be. or i'm going to work on it.
a good friend of mine once told me that there really is no battle. and i think i just need to embrace that. rather than trying to be good enough (which is really still insecurity, its just striving not to fall on the wrong end of it, its the flip side of the battle), i'm going to forget battle. i'm putting down the weapons and walking away from the war. i'm going to accept the simple fact that things are the way they are. i am a human being. by nature flawed, but i can be no more perfect in this moment than i am right now in this moment. i am going to forget trying to affirm myself and leave that up to my creator. i'm going to walk tall. i'm going to accept who i am. the mess that i am. the person that i am that screws things up and makes mistakes, yet also gets some things right from time to time.
there was a saturday night live skit. i think the guys name was stuart smiley or something close to that. he always looked in the mirror and said, i'm good enough, smart enough, and people like me. or some other such bs. i guess he typifies people like me, who have decided to take another direction to cope with the pain that self doubt brings.
i think look in the mirror is 1/2 of the problem. insecurities and self doubt comes with the shackle of self focus. it's the same with vanity... except vanity a person likes what the see. each are an over focus on ones self. one thinks too well and the other thinks too little. it's funny... i've never heard anyone suggest daily disaffirmations for a vain person.... excuse me you think too much of yourself, so every morning get up and say... you're not good enough, you're not smart enough.
i'm going to shatter the mirror.
ok,
So in the last two months there has been a lot of changes in my life.
I quit smoking, 6 weeks in now.
i started a crazy work out regiment. 54 days now
and the whole time i keep coming back to practice and how we can be going down paths that are either good for us or bad for us.
Its so true, the things we practice, are the things we become. If you get angry often, you will find it easier and easier to get angry at things. the more you do it, the better you become at it. it really works that way for everything, working out, quitting a habit, an emotional response.
if you put a person down because you are angry, you will find it easier to do in the future, and you will find your words get harsher
if you practice saying things of a racist nature, you will find it easier to do.
whatever you practice you will become
which is such a wonderful thing, because we can practice whatever we like.
its not easy. the first 2 weeks i worked out, i wanted to die. i shredded every muscle in my body past immediate repair, i took my lungs to the brink of their abilities. but as i went on it became easier. every attempt i made, it got a bit easier. even though i wasnt in shape, even though, i had smoked for 17 years, every time, i improved
being nice to people is he same way.
so is forgiveness
so is grace
so is practicing all of the beautiful things in life.
If you're not used to forgiving it can be difficult, but the more you do it the better you can get
if you're used to blowing up over something, every time you choose not to, you get better at not.
somewhere, inside, there is inspiration in that.
find it
be the person you want to be
Its been a while since i updated. Busy busy i guess. It's been an interesting time for me.
I quit smoking. Going on 6 weeks now. Its been great.
In addition to that, i started the p90x work out program. Wow, talk about intense. im on day 54. 54 days in a row i've worked out for over an hour a day. I'm going to day 90 without missing a day. ok, actually i'm going to day 92, (i missed 2 days because i was sick). i might even run the program again after i get done with it the first time.
In addition to that i've been working on a website, starting a blog for the site, and a bunch of social media links for it.
found a new guitar i want and am trying to sell 2 guitars and a bass so i can afford it.
hmmm anything else? no, no i think thats about it really. oh aside from the dealing with a short sale and a foreclosure lol.
so yea, i havent been around much lately.
it was kind of an interesting experiment with facebook. i told people to email me, instead of keeping up on fb together. i do think fb is good for keeping in tough with people. something about out of site out of mind comes in to play i guess, and with fb its nice because it keeps people in site. yes, total play on words
ahhh, so i will need a real post here soon.. maybe thats what i'll do now
Recently a scientific probe was released....
Dying is the number one cause of death in america.
But call now for the remedy. Only available while supplies last. Act quickly!
sigh. i've been listening to swine flu stuff all day.
If i wasnt courteous enough to watch my language i would be dropping expletives like no ones business.
I get so freakin tired of scare tactics, conspiracy theories, sensationalism, just the whole pile of steamy stuff.
I wonder when we'll hit the generation that hides in the corner, dooming humanity to extinction becuase we're too afraid to breed any more.
Oh and by the way. just a shout out to david letterman...
WAY TO GO
Good job on not being held captive by fear. Cant say i applaud what you did. but nice way of handling it.
Of all the things in life to discuss and think about, i think the best is life itself.
I think of a person with amnesia. It's kinda fascinating to me. All of the sudden someone has no idea who they are or how they got to where they are. Its the basic question it seems. Who am i? What am i doing here?
The questions seem to dull with age, but i dont think they should. As if we are ever capable of knowing who we really are, and what we are really doing here. I think we should constantly search. But it seems like a lot of people have been pulled away from digging the treasure of these questions to be trapped in the mundane life of watching tv.
I think life should be a frantic search, trying to piece it all together like an amnesia patient. Not growing comfortable with the small miracles like the wind against the skin, or the smell of a flower. Learning and growing. Why would we ever stop?
To Own a Dragon- Reflections on growing up without a father- Donald Miller
I like Miller's writing style as it is, but this book was just fantastic. I think he speaks for a fatherless generation.
Kids who grow up knowing their fathers have that identity. Its a known factor. Those without are always looking to fill that role and in different places.
His first father he freely admits was a dr who always wore bright sweaters, named... dr huxtable off the cosby show.
Whatever family situation youve grown up it, it's a fascinating read
