AGOOEYMESS

But i dont wanna

2009-11-16T17:59:00.000-08:00

I had to take a long break, i couldnt come to this point again. i dont want to whine, and that is all i would have done, or sobbed, or ached.

i hate to admit it but i do find inspiration in pain, but the incredible irony is that i want to hide away from the world, so the inspiration is meaningless because i dont want the audience that would be needed. i dont really want you to know me. but maybe i do. how much more twisted can it get than that? that i am afraid of you, but need you at the same time. i dont want to speak but i'm dying inside to yell at the top of my lungs? how broken am i.

damn, thats not what this is supposed to be about. it's really not, but i suppose i couldnt get away that easily. transition... i dont know how to transition this, i guess i can hope that this just comes off and seems creative..

transition

Love.

I was thinking last week, amid the ruins of so many things, i always go back to love, because it seems like thats where we fall from. So many issue stem from the inability or misunderstanding or even the flat out not caring.

How guilty am i? guilty enough to know that my soul sings at the mere thought of being forgiven.

i wouldnt be good at writing a directions manual. i couldnt do it. i would have people so turned in differet ways the would be sleeping in their sinks and doing their morning business in the washer.

but i am going to try here and now.

How to show love in a practical way

Lesson one

You are not better than anyone

Example one

When a telemarketer calls you up, dont be a duck (yes... duck... quack quack, you as the reader may insert whatever word you like). They have a job to do, just like you do, they no more want to go to work and have people treat them like dog excrement than you do, but somehow, it has become our national pastime in beating them (yes i'm guilty as well, i'm just trying to make the world a better place, and if that means i have to grow in order to do it, so be it). Lets go a step further, how about the overseas telemarketer, you know, the one you can barley understand and who would butcher your last name even if your last name happens to be smith? Think... Dell computer support.. there you go. is there any wonder why the world might think that the citizens of the united states of american are a bunch of ducks (quack quack)? i would not want to take the abuse a telemarketer does, but, i think i would rather spend a lifetime as one, rather than an outsources foreign one. seriously, what if you got up for work every morning (remember, that is the responsible thing to do, that is something to be admired), you take care of your family by doing what you have to do. you know, all day long you will be either misunderstood, put down, made fun of, hung up on, cussed out, and all of this by the worlds wealthiest people.... do you think you might get a chip on your shoulder after the first hour?

i am no good at writing directions, i knew i wouldnt be.

I'm guilty... or... do you like me?

2009-10-17T19:37:00.001-07:00

Random, but i like dual titles. its just fun. i think rocky and bullwinkle used to do that. ahhh anyway

i've been thinking on this one for a while, and i guess its finally coming down to getting it out of me.

I am guilty. I'm guilty of a lot of things actually, but one that has been eating at me recently is this... i have embraced humility for a long while. I do find it to be an incredible quality, of that there is no doubt, but if i was honest with myself, i have used humility to cover insecurity and self doubt.

I find myself more and ore fascinated by insecurity. A good friend of mine told me he has noticed it a lot in single family homes and broken homes. coming from a broken home i can say at least from my end, this is true. It's so easy. unfortunately there are after school specials and so many cliches, but its really true... the haunting thought, is it my fault, am i not good enough, if i would have been better they would have loved me, if, if, if, if, if, there is one person to blame but myself, i must not be good enough, cant anyone like me? in a broken home a child doesnt get what it needs to function. i dont like to think i had it bad, because in a lot of ways i didnt, but in some ways i did. i grew up in a neighborhood where there were no kids. parents divorced young, abuse, i never learned social functions, how to make friends, school life was atrocious, i could have been no better hand picked from birth to end up in the cliques i did, careening toward self destruction. i had an appetite for it. after all, with as bad as things were, i'm sure i would have been happy if they were to end sooner.

ey, i knew i'd get long winded. anyway to get more back on track, i have been hiding my self doubt and insecurity inside of humility for a while. i want to be done with it. and i think i will be. or i'm going to work on it.

a good friend of mine once told me that there really is no battle. and i think i just need to embrace that. rather than trying to be good enough (which is really still insecurity, its just striving not to fall on the wrong end of it, its the flip side of the battle), i'm going to forget battle. i'm putting down the weapons and walking away from the war. i'm going to accept the simple fact that things are the way they are. i am a human being. by nature flawed, but i can be no more perfect in this moment than i am right now in this moment. i am going to forget trying to affirm myself and leave that up to my creator. i'm going to walk tall. i'm going to accept who i am. the mess that i am. the person that i am that screws things up and makes mistakes, yet also gets some things right from time to time.

there was a saturday night live skit. i think the guys name was stuart smiley or something close to that. he always looked in the mirror and said, i'm good enough, smart enough, and people like me. or some other such bs. i guess he typifies people like me, who have decided to take another direction to cope with the pain that self doubt brings.

i think look in the mirror is 1/2 of the problem. insecurities and self doubt comes with the shackle of self focus. it's the same with vanity... except vanity a person likes what the see. each are an over focus on ones self. one thinks too well and the other thinks too little. it's funny... i've never heard anyone suggest daily disaffirmations for a vain person.... excuse me you think too much of yourself, so every morning get up and say... you're not good enough, you're not smart enough.

i'm going to shatter the mirror.

Practice

2009-10-10T09:32:00.000-07:00

ok,

So in the last two months there has been a lot of changes in my life.

I quit smoking, 6 weeks in now.

i started a crazy work out regiment. 54 days now

and the whole time i keep coming back to practice and how we can be going down paths that are either good for us or bad for us.

Its so true, the things we practice, are the things we become. If you get angry often, you will find it easier and easier to get angry at things. the more you do it, the better you become at it. it really works that way for everything, working out, quitting a habit, an emotional response.

if you put a person down because you are angry, you will find it easier to do in the future, and you will find your words get harsher

if you practice saying things of a racist nature, you will find it easier to do.

whatever you practice you will become

which is such a wonderful thing, because we can practice whatever we like.

its not easy. the first 2 weeks i worked out, i wanted to die. i shredded every muscle in my body past immediate repair, i took my lungs to the brink of their abilities. but as i went on it became easier. every attempt i made, it got a bit easier. even though i wasnt in shape, even though, i had smoked for 17 years, every time, i improved

being nice to people is he same way.

so is forgiveness

so is grace

so is practicing all of the beautiful things in life.

If you're not used to forgiving it can be difficult, but the more you do it the better you can get

if you're used to blowing up over something, every time you choose not to, you get better at not.

somewhere, inside, there is inspiration in that.

find it

be the person you want to be

Yikes

2009-10-10T09:25:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since i updated. Busy busy i guess. It's been an interesting time for me.

I quit smoking. Going on 6 weeks now. Its been great.

In addition to that, i started the p90x work out program. Wow, talk about intense. im on day 54. 54 days in a row i've worked out for over an hour a day. I'm going to day 90 without missing a day. ok, actually i'm going to day 92, (i missed 2 days because i was sick). i might even run the program again after i get done with it the first time.

In addition to that i've been working on a website, starting a blog for the site, and a bunch of social media links for it.

found a new guitar i want and am trying to sell 2 guitars and a bass so i can afford it.

hmmm anything else? no, no i think thats about it really. oh aside from the dealing with a short sale and a foreclosure lol.

so yea, i havent been around much lately.

it was kind of an interesting experiment with facebook. i told people to email me, instead of keeping up on fb together. i do think fb is good for keeping in tough with people. something about out of site out of mind comes in to play i guess, and with fb its nice because it keeps people in site. yes, total play on words

ahhh, so i will need a real post here soon.. maybe thats what i'll do now

This just in... #1 cause of death in America....

2009-10-07T12:41:00.000-07:00

Recently a scientific probe was released....

Dying is the number one cause of death in america.

But call now for the remedy. Only available while supplies last. Act quickly!

sigh. i've been listening to swine flu stuff all day.

If i wasnt courteous enough to watch my language i would be dropping expletives like no ones business.

I get so freakin tired of scare tactics, conspiracy theories, sensationalism, just the whole pile of steamy stuff.

I wonder when we'll hit the generation that hides in the corner, dooming humanity to extinction becuase we're too afraid to breed any more.

Oh and by the way. just a shout out to david letterman...

WAY TO GO

Good job on not being held captive by fear. Cant say i applaud what you did. but nice way of handling it.

Who am I and what am i doing here????

2009-09-25T08:49:00.000-07:00

Of all the things in life to discuss and think about, i think the best is life itself.

I think of a person with amnesia. It's kinda fascinating to me. All of the sudden someone has no idea who they are or how they got to where they are. Its the basic question it seems. Who am i? What am i doing here?

The questions seem to dull with age, but i dont think they should. As if we are ever capable of knowing who we really are, and what we are really doing here. I think we should constantly search. But it seems like a lot of people have been pulled away from digging the treasure of these questions to be trapped in the mundane life of watching tv.

I think life should be a frantic search, trying to piece it all together like an amnesia patient. Not growing comfortable with the small miracles like the wind against the skin, or the smell of a flower. Learning and growing. Why would we ever stop?

Great book

2009-09-22T13:13:00.000-07:00

To Own a Dragon- Reflections on growing up without a father- Donald Miller

I like Miller's writing style as it is, but this book was just fantastic. I think he speaks for a fatherless generation.

Kids who grow up knowing their fathers have that identity. Its a known factor. Those without are always looking to fill that role and in different places.

His first father he freely admits was a dr who always wore bright sweaters, named... dr huxtable off the cosby show.

Whatever family situation youve grown up it, it's a fascinating read

its odd

2009-09-22T08:28:00.000-07:00

I've never really thought much of myself. never considered myself very important. you could say it was my upbringing i guess. but it's not as if i'm upset. i dont place the blame for it on anyone. if there had to be a reason i am sure that would be one of the reasons those. it's just the way things have been and i've always accepted it.

the odd thing though, which i am trying to wrap my head around is this. you're reading this. well, i cant even assume that much, but the fact is i am writing this, on a public blog, public forum.

it holds in it some sort of arrogance, as if i feel that i have something worth being read. but i dont feel like that? but yet i write for it to be read?

maybe it's just insecurity. maybe i want to be someone that is worth reading, or someone that is worth something. but maybe i'm afraid to think its important, because i dont want to be tricked. i dont want to have the foot ball pulled away as i kick it and i go flying.

Honestly, that was a huge problem i had with God, and if i was being honest, maybe i still do.

I always felt like the minute i being to trust, its the minute i get let down. the minute i get hurt. and that God would just be like that too.

I felt like charlie brown and lucy and i kept running the same play over and over again.

I think more over i felt like adam in the garden, after the fall. hiding in the branches, worrying that maybe God isnt good. maybe He doesnt love me.

i dont really fully know what changed my mind or heart. ive met a lot of people that i trust.

I think grace plays a big role in to that too. knowing that given a long enough period of time, everyone will let me down, but knowing that it's not necessarily my expectations that are what is important, combined with the fact that i will let everyone down as well. and the only thing that i can hope is they grant me grace, as i will them.

the golden rule, treat others as you want to be treated.

i dont really think it's meant to be subjective. i dont think that it means, make someone a sandwich with light mayo cause that's what you'd like.

i think more of it speaks of mercy and grace. if someone comes before you seeking forgiveness, forgive, because if you were asking forgiveness, you would want it. if someone is seeking help, help, because if you were asking you would want it. treat others how you would want to be treated (in the situation they are in).

sigh. my words seem so pointless.

i wish i were a poet. but i dont even think they can capture the beauty of one heart reaching out towards another. love, mercy, understanding, kindness. the more that i practice them the more i want them, the more i am unsatisfied with anything else.

Why David Crowder Band in just incredible

2009-09-20T13:04:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite songs, very simple

The Lark Ascending Or (Perhaps More Accurately, I'm Trying To Make You Sing)

And I'm trying to make you sing
From inside where you believe
Like it's something that you need
Like it means everything

And I'm trying to make you feel that
This is for real, that life is happening
That it means everything
I'm just trying to make you sing

I hate you. You are scum

2009-09-19T08:58:00.000-07:00

Wow, that title is just nasty huh? It even felt a bit weird typing it out.

Hate is just such a weird thing.

I was having a wonderful discussion this morning with someone and we were discussing abortion. It pains me to think of the stereo type that has fallen on Christians. And it pains me even more that it is fitting a lot of times due to how they act.

I have literally heard Christians talk about those baby killin women and how they are going to go straight to hell. How they are just the scum of the earth.

I honestly cant help but think of the woman that was going to be stoned. I imagine Jesus walking through a crowd that has gathered, yelling and cursing at a woman who has had an abortion. I picture Him making His way through to the middle. Kneeling down next to her, asking her if she is ok. Whispering to her that it will be alright. Then standing up to the crowds and telling them phrase heard time and time again, whoever is without sin let him cast the first stone.

What of the parable of the person who had been forgiven, but yet refused to forgive?

these things just seem to all come rushing in.

A lot of times when i speak up for someone who has had an abortion i get put down. or i'm accused of being too soft, or too forgiving. That Gods righteous judgement will fall on these people. Sometimes i really think that the people who are saying these things are actually awaiting the grounds to tear open as they say it.

Seems to me Gods righteous judgement has already been passed.

Maybe God made things too simple? Because we seem to need them to be complicated. or maybe it's just in our fallen nature to complicate things.

but here is what doesnt make sense. and i'll try to put this in some sort of equation .

A= woman who has sinned

B= telling her that she is trash

C= salvation and forgiveness of sins.

a+b just doesnt seem to add up to c

actually, most people i know will not go to where they are not wanted. think about it. would you want to go somewhere that you knew people disliked you? ok maybe you like to cause trouble, but even if you went just to cause trouble it wouldnt mean you wanted to spend time there. to recharge there.

this makes a little more sense to me

a= sinful people

b= loving relationships

c= salvation and forgiveness of sins

a+b=c

It seems to me there are a couple different thought patterns here. Let me use boats to illustrate this.

with 1 thought group, you have 2 different boats. you have the people who have accepted Christ in one boat. and those who havent in another. Now some people from the boat who have accepted Christ... they have no idea how they got there. they are just there. and if you asked them, they would just tell you, the people on the other boat are screwed. there is no way to switch boats. which develops a superiority mindset.

these are the people that you hear trashing non believers. that have no love for others. that believe they are a select few that somehow got on the right boat and well, you're not. (truth be told they would probably enjoy kicking people off their boat as well)

unfortunately i see people like this. i know people like this. and the more time passes it seems the more they grow. these boats dont have to just be religious either. they can be political, or anything else really. its an us vs. them mentality

I like a different view. And it think this is what Jesus would have drawn us.

i think we're on in the same boat (i have been just dying to say that)

I think there is 1 deck to our boat, we're all on the same floor plan. i think that some people are lost inside the rooms, while other people are outside sunning, swimming, playing music, theres just a big party going on. With a master MC who is utterly excited about the party. and every time someone comes outside from being lost inside, everyone screams and shouts and the party just starts bumpin more. There are people holding the doors open, there are people shouting in to other people "come to the party! you're invited!" Theres even an urgency because if the people havent found the outside by the time the ride is over, they will be trapped inside forever.

I dont know, its saturday, i'm bored, my mind wanders

but lets get rid of the negative things. lets get rid of chasing people away.

Hmmm

2009-09-04T06:02:00.000-07:00

It's been an interesting couple weeks. I feel like i've been surrounded by dirty things, things that are hard to scrub off, arrogance, bitterness, compassionless people.

A friend of mine once told me i just like to argue. maybe that is the case. I seem to be good at it a lot of the time. but maybe it is that i just like to stick up for the other side, often i'll take the opposing side in a debate even though i understand what the person i am debating with is saying. i try to wrap my mind around whatever i can. and usually i can find i can relate in some way or another, or at least try to put myself in someone elses shoes a bit.

This week i got to listen to someone tell me about kids that play basketball in the street, on a dead end street. how terrible they are because they dont move right away and use foul language, and above and beyond, that these kids parents (even though it is unknown who they are) are bad parents and bad people.

now i'm going to estimate 6 kids here, and lets say all of them are from single parent homes, so lets say 6 parents. without any actual knowledge of the parents. and no more knowledge of the kids than they play basketball in the street, and dont move quick enough when a car is coming, and use foul language, 12 people were written off completely, bad people, people that are somehow less.

a step further, i heard someone speak ill of the poor, because they are abusing free cell phones for emergency situations.

a step further, i heard someone continually bash a political party that was opposite of the party they "belong" to. writing off an entire group of people as, stupid, bad people, heartless, and many other negative words.

Negative words make me sad. i think they are infectious. poisonous. i think that they some how speckle us, and if used often enough they envelop us and destroy the good words.

it is nothing less than arrogant to lower a group of people to a state that is less than. the fact of the matter is i am the one who plays basketball in the street (and so are you), i am the poor person (and so are you), i am the person with different political viewpoints (and so are you). at some point in my life and in some point in your life, we've been on the "other side". we've been the ones crying for mercy instead of justice. we've been the ones that have acted foolish, we've been the ones that have behaved selfishly.

i've often heard the term, bleeding heart (i am not associating it with a political party, even though that is where i believe it is mainly heard. i dont stand firm with either party), but what better thing could there be than a bleeding heart. compassion is moving.

if we fought fire with fire we would watch the whole world burn.

if we do nothing but hate, we become hate, and just find new reasons to hate.

i dont think we were ever meant for it. i dont think that we were ever meant for those things.

maybe i'm an idealist. maybe. but then again, if nothing means anything, why would we even be able to have ideals in the first place?

i think that's why i am so drawn to Christ. who he was really resonates in me.

to take a woman who was condemned and say no shes not

to get angry with arrogance

to appreciate those who are considered less than

to be compassionate in the face of persecution.

to be accepting of what life brings.

i cant help but thinking He was patient with the people He was dealing with, as like dealing with children. and i also cant help but thinking....

the people we run in to that "aggravate" us, what if we were patient with them, like we would be patient with our own children.

what if we were patient with the kids playing basketball in the street. what if we hoped for them instead of condemn them

what if we understood the poor, gave to them, not because they are less, but because we are equals and we know we would hope someone would help us in desperate times

what if we sought common ground in political parties, instead of exasperating the differences.

maybe i'm just an idealist

maybe i just like to argue

maybe i'm just an under dog fighting for whats right

maybe i just want to shower the speckles off

or maybe i'm just not busy at work today

Which direction am i heading?

2009-08-22T09:30:00.000-07:00

As i sit here on a saturday reading and drinking coffee, i read something that immediately made me tear up, and then came the long slow familiar feeling of a tear gently rolling down my cheek.

It is in this exact moment i think of resonance. I read something that reverberated with my soul deep inside. something that caused such an immediate response from my body. There wasnt time to think of it, there was only time to feel it's immediate effect on me. And outpouring of emotion, but i dont think emotion would be right, i think it would more be just an outpouring of "being" so to speak.

These seem to be hidden all over the place. I can only imagine from my own experience that every has these things that resonate in them. And again my experience would tell me that these things probably differ in every person.

One of my favorite quotes, and what i use on my work email is...

"A person will worship something, have no doubt about that. We may think our tribute is paid in secret in the dark recesses of our hearts, but it will out. That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping we are becoming."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love how eloquently and yet bluntly that Emerson points out the fact that our secret desires of our hearts can not hide from the world, and that they will become known. Like a prisoner plotting his escape, the deep recesses of our hearts will come out and expose themselves, if for only the joy of doing so.

Anyway, back to the things that resonate, or move us, or whatever you will. I imagine every language and every culture has a word for it. I like resonate. It stirs up images to me. But also as experience has taught me, i'm sure there are much more beautiful and impacting words that go in to much more detail with much more imagery.

I cant help but wonder if the things that resonate with us are somehow diving rods or compasses to the direction we are heading in, or even more so, clues to who we are or warning signs for what is down the rode for us lest we choose not to worship something different.

I find myself so curious as to what resonates in other people, what brings instant joy or sorrow, strength or weakness, hope or despair. i cant remember for sure but i think there was some marketing campaign that used the slogan "what moves you", i'm sure it happened, marketing has used just about every good and bad trait of humanity to sell products, so it wouldnt surprise me.

i want to make sure that the things that move me and the things that resonate in my heart, are the things that time has shown to matter. Dare i say the important things? Not to label someone elses "things" as unimportant. More of, i know what i consider important, and i know what i want to worship, and i want to make sure that the things that resonate with me are clues to the things i find important and want to worship.

as the add says, what moves you?

all alone

2009-07-20T19:16:00.001-07:00

I looked the other day

To see if you were anywhere

I couldnt find you

I want to find you

It seems I lost my way

Day runs into day

I still cant find you

I want to find you

And all I see around me

Is nothing I want to be

Im stuck inside myself

And cant see anything else

I’m screaming and fighting

All is so frightening

I cant do this on my own

If all I can be

Is all that I am

Then let me cease to be

This is the end of me

Pick me up where I be

I’m all alone

the drop of rain and the steel bar

2009-05-16T08:48:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows how strong a steel bar is, everyone has been hit by a drop of rain. I tell you this, there is a drop of rain out there powerful enough to shatter a steel bar. A drop of rain that finds the most infinite weakness in the steel bar, falling from 10,000 feet where it was birthed the rain drop will fall and fall until the steel is in just the right position for the drop to hit it just right, in that one spot, that only that drop of rain could hit. Then my friends, you will see, that bar of steel was just a weak thing being held together by its own strength, that it had great weakness all along, it just had to be unlocked. Then it is just to be judged, is it the saddest thing to see something so powerful brought down by something so small, or so amazing that something so small brought down something so strong, or maybe just a bit of both.

Wiliam Bochkay

Its so simple

2009-05-07T13:45:00.000-07:00

THE TENT: Watson and Holmes Go Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.

At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions of stars."

Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"

Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes retorts, "Someone stole our tent."

I love this joke. It points out that sometimes things are just so freaking simple and if we can only do away with our desire to complicate them, we can see what is right in front of us, or what is missing...

Destination known/ calvinism / whatever you'd like to call it.

2009-04-15T07:35:00.001-07:00

Maybe this will make sense to you, maybe not. on the subject of Calvinism & Arminianism

To complicate matters completely i say they both must be accurate, to some extent.

We know that if God is eternal then He is outside of time.

He knows the beginning middle and the end

Therefore everything that is to be done is done

our choices are already made by us

since we've already chosen what we will do, there is only one thing we can do.

we can not, not do what we are to do

therefore we dont have any choices because they have already been made

we are the ones who made the choices

so we had the free will in doing such things, even though there is only 1 thing we can do, which is what we will do

God has ultimate control in allowing whatever occurs to occur. If we do not take one breathe without His allowing it, then all of our actions are allowed by God.

by not knowing the future we have no clue of what our "choices" will be, nor what the circumstances will be drawing us to those "choices"

it is our ignorance of the future that gives us our free will

So we have both free will and pre destination at the same time

they coexist together and must coexist together

it's simple right?

Humble yourself

2009-01-30T07:15:00.001-08:00

Lesson on humility

Ephesians 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love

From Wikipedia

Humility, or being humble, is the defining characteristic of an unpretentious and modest person, someone who does not think that he or she is better or more important than others. The opposite of humility is pride.

Humility is said to be the foundation of the spiritual edifice and inferior only to faith. However, humility is considered the first virtue inasmuch as it removes the obstacles to faith. It removes pride and makes a man subject to and a fit recipient of grace; according to the words of St. James, "God resisteth the proud, and giveth his grace to the humble

Definition from the free dictionary
ap•pre•ci•ate ( -pr sh - t )
v. ap•pre•ci•at•ed, ap•pre•ci•at•ing, ap•pre•ci•ates
v.tr.
1. To recognize the quality, significance, or magnitude of: appreciated their freedom.
2. To be fully aware of or sensitive to; realize: I appreciate your problems.
3. To be thankful or show gratitude for: I really appreciate your help.
4. To admire greatly; value.

Ok aside from reading a bunch of definitions, what does humility really mean and why is it important? Why must you break yourself. Break your self pride. Marvel in humility. Before the fall of man, everything was God focused. What did God desire. After the fall we see that man had become self focused. Selfish motivations and desires. What do I want, not what does God want. It is often this sense of self that causes us to sin. But aside from that. Embracing humility is the only way to fully understand appreciation. Once you fully grasp that you deserve nothing. That you can do nothing to deserve anything. Then you can fully learn to appreciate everything in your life. To understand that God provides for every moment of your life. That His hand is in it. strip your pride off and throw it out. no one can stand up to God and say “you owe me this”. so if no one can do that then we need to submit to Him and completely humble ourselves. You do not deserve the life you have. You do not deserve the car you drive. You do not deserve the spouse you have. There is nothing so special of you that you are more important than a bum on the street. There is nothing that you have done to earn a life any better than a starving child be it in this country or in another country. Everything you have is a blessing. Once you grasp this you can learn appreciation. You can wipe away griping being stuck in traffic, you can wipe away a relationship that ended, you can wipe away the things that you think are not fair. And start to look at life through the perspective of being grateful for the things you have. The big things are fine. But how about the small things. The fact that you were able to enjoy ¼ of the superbowl before your cable went out. the fact that you were able to spend 6 months with someone you loved. It ended but the 6 months were great. You can appreciate that even though you cant drive a audi r8, you can drive period. Then we can truly learn to praise God for the things we have. Then we can learn to truly be thankful. When was the last time you stopped to thank God for a breath that you take. Or for being allowed to live in a moment that is painful. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying to enjoy the pain, but still to enjoy the fact that you have life, and pain is just another indication that you are alive.

Proverbs 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.

Proverbs 15:33
The fear of the LORD teaches a man wisdom, and humility comes before honor.

Proverbs 18:12
Before his downfall a man's heart is proud, but humility comes before honor.

Proverbs 22:4
Humility and the fear of the LORD bring wealth and honor and life.

Zephaniah 2:3
Seek the LORD, all you humble of the land, you who do what he commands. Seek righteousness, seekhumility; perhaps you will be sheltered on the day of the LORD's anger.

Philippians 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Philippians 2:2-4 (in Context) Philippians 2 (Whole Chapter)

Leviticus 26:19
I will break down your stubborn pride and make the sky above you like iron and the ground beneath you like bronze.

2 Kings 19:22
Who is it you have insulted and blasphemed? Against whom have you raised your voice and lifted your eyes inpride? Against the Holy One of Israel!

2 Chronicles 26:16
But after Uzziah became powerful, his pride led to his downfall. He was unfaithful to the LORD his God, and entered the temple of the LORD to burn incense on the altar of incense.

It tastes perfect

2009-01-30T06:24:00.001-08:00

It tastes perfect…

There is a story I once heard from a friend who heard it from somewhere. What I mean to say is that I have no idea where it comes from, but I know this, it is a good story and illustrates a good point. Once there were 3 people sitting around and decided to drink some wine. They poured the wine and they each took sips. The first one said, this wine is terrible. I’ve never had something so bad. The second tasted the wine and agreed saying that there was something wrong with it. the third smelled, sipped, and tasted. He said it is perfect. The two looked at him with astonishment, saying, how could you think this is perfect. The third gently turned and said this is not wine, it is vinegar. And as vinegar goes it is perfect.

He understood that although they had meant to drink wine, what they turned out to have was vinegar. And that it was not a wine that they were tasting, it was vinegar. What would our life look like if we looked at our situations a bit differently. Instead of thinking of situations as bad, we can look at them for what they are. They are different situations totally. If we removed our expectations. If we didn’t see ourselves as failing, but learning, if saw opportunity, if we saw things in a different perspective. Totally removing expectations of events and savoring moments whether they be wine or vinegar.

Taste the apple

2009-01-28T12:53:00.001-08:00

Taste the apple.

Practice grace, kindness, love, being just, practice the things of God. Practice them every day that you can. Know them inside out. learn how they feel and become them. Swim in them, experience them. We must continue to grow. We must not stop. We must continue to mature while not getting old at the same time. We need to learn all of these things on an experiential level. To know what they would feel like to the touch, to be able to recognize them from sight, to feel them as they occur. If we do not do these things then we miss out on so much of God. We do not get to know Him as intimately as we could. If I could tell you what particles go together to make an apple. Even tell you that the apple is sweet and crunchy, while remaining a medium density, that when you bite into it the juices might run down your chin in a sticky sweetness. If I’ve never had an apple I would miss out on so much more of what the apple is. Knowledge is wonderful, it’s beautiful. It dances around us and gives us substance while at the same time providing us information for dreams. But experience puts color into the dream. It enriches it like knowledge cant. Practice these things with all of your heart.

know what it’s like to show mercy
let yourself receive mercy
know what it’s like to give grace
let yourself receive the grace of others
know what it’s like to love
let yourself be loved

Understand that God is all these things. Grow to know God more and more.

Transparency

2009-01-02T11:43:00.000-08:00

I heard someway say onetime that they would rather be an open sinner than a false saint. How about that. On one side you have someone yearning to be true to who they are, that they don't want to live out a lie. On the other side you have to admit that you sin.

In church society it is easy to notice how being a false saint affects people. After all, we are no better than Adam. Actually we are Adam. We have fallen and are in need of a savior. To say that we don't sin, or to present this false self to the world is doing a disservice. If you place anyone on a pedestal they will fall off. The higher the pedestal the larger the fall will be. But what if this is replaced. What if there is no pedestal. If people are real. If you ran into Frank at church and you asked how things were going, and Frank feeling safe says that things aren't going well. That he cheated on his wife or that his kids were using drugs.

I have never met anyone that has led a perfect life. Usually the more perfect they seem the more messed up they are. But can we be messed up and love Jesus at the same time? I certainly hope so, because i know how messed up I am.

Now before this gets taken the wrong way, I want to say that i don't think that one should go around and shout from the rooftops all sins committed, and i don't think that one should just tell everyone. But we have to be able to be real. If the church cant be real then who can? If a pastor cant be real and say wow, yesterday i did something messed up, or i didn't follow Gods desire for my life, then who can? If a pastor sets the tone for his church, if a pastor is the one looked up to in that environment, then he should emulate transparency to his congregation. Transparency is 100% necessary! Without it we are just a bunch of people putting on masks like the rest of the world.

Maybe God thinks....

2008-12-22T09:24:00.000-08:00

I thought of you today

thought how much i loved you

and how it didnt matter that you turned your back on me

i got you something for Christmas

it was my gift to you

my way of saying that you're forgiven

it cost me everything

it makes me sad to think that you didnt want it

i hope one day you receive it

A Christian nation?

2008-12-04T05:44:00.000-08:00

I hear a lot of talk about american being a Christian nation. i hear a lot of hollywood saying that's what's wrong with this country. and it would be much better if we were not a Christian nation.

i dont think we are. i would love to see a nation of Christians. where...

people werent afraid to tell another person the truth
lying wasnt a daily occurnce
if someone gets pulled over for speeding they say, yes i was speeding
in courts people plead guilty when guilty and simply ask for mercy
where marriages laster and family meant something
where standards were held, but those outside were accepted
where instead of the what i get mentality we have the what can we give
a nation of people with no fear but full of compassion
a nation that didnt have a first strike policy
a nation where the nightly news said this happened today and its all going to be ok

i would love to see that. if we had that.... i think a lot of people would take notice. that would be the real lamp on the table.

The crisis is over....

2008-12-04T05:21:00.000-08:00

Actually i lied. the crisis is not over. in order for it to be over there would have to be a beginning. and the truth is it never began. there never was a crisis. despite what the news would have you believe. despite what the government would have you believe. despite what your fears tell you. there was never a crisis.

if you cant pay your mortgage... its not a crisis
if we get an inch of snow... its not a crisis
if our economy wrecks and falls....not a crisis

no matter what happens life will go on, or it will cease. in either case there is no need to worry and no need to fret.

we have gotten to the point in this country that everything is a crisis of monumental proportion. the next one bigger than the last. everything is sensationalized. but that isnt the way it really is. if we get an inch of snow it is not the end of the world. heck even if it is the end of the world, its not the end of our world, for those saved in Christ Jesus.

Matthew 6:25 (New International Version)
Do Not Worry 25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?

Matthew 6:27 (New International Version)
27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[a]?

Matthew 6:31 (New International Version)
31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'

Matthew 6:34 (New International Version)
34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 10:19 (New International Version)
19But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say,

Mark 13:11 (New International Version)
11Whenever you are arrested and brought to trial, do not worry beforehand about what to say. Just say whatever is given you at the time, for it is not you speaking, but the Holy Spirit.

Luke 12:11 (New International Version)
11"When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say,

Luke 12:26 (New International Version)
26Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

Luke 24:38 (New International Version)
38He said to them, "Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds?

Zealous much?

2008-12-03T04:59:00.000-08:00

Just a simple question this morning.... If one has come to know Christ, how could one not be zealous.

Zealotry was a movement in first century Judaism, described by Josephus as one of the "four sects" at this time. The term Zealot, in Hebrew kanai (קנאי, frequently used in plural form, קנאים), means one who is on behalf of God. The term is Greek in origin. ...en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zealous

Full of persistent fervent devotion to a cause.www.godonthe.net/dictionary/z.html

born rejected

2008-12-02T07:16:00.000-08:00

born rejected
completely defective
sins of my father
running through my veins
cast out by my self
put up on a shelf
left to die
saved by One
tried in vain
life was pain
no purpose i had
till i found you
now i've found
it's been quite profound
i'm washed clean
do you know what i mean
new as snow
ready to go
giving my life
to the one who saved it

IF?

2008-11-25T06:40:00.000-08:00

if i died today
if i wept you'd say
if i slipped tomorrow
and broke into sorrow
if i ran a long time
but did not finish the line
if i lost, if i failed
did it all but was nailed
if it matters
if it doesnt
if i will, if i wont
if does not exist
just a mere twist
of reality you'll see
what was, was
what is, is
what will be will be
if is just a limitless posibility
that robs you blind
of your sane mind

I am ironman!

2008-11-25T06:03:00.000-08:00

have you seen that flick yet? great movie. my favorite park is when tony stark is telling pepper that he should have died, and he had been given this new life to do something with. he had purpose. he said there was only the mission.

much the same when we are reborn in Christ we experience death and rebirth. and the fact of the matter is we deserved to die. we were given this new life and there should only be the mission.

it wouldnt be a very good story if tony stark had come back and not done anything different... so lets not do the same things we have done, lets break out of this cycle and be amazing heros.

theres something wrong with the world today.... or... half of us arent crazy

2008-11-24T15:12:00.000-08:00

ok here i pose the most elementary theory to date. there is something wrong with the way we live. probably a lot more than just something. maybe like a whole freaking ton of things. but i guess that's to come later

go ahead, google some info here. over half of the prescriptions given today are for antidepressants, over half! that beats out pills for heart disease, erectile dysfunction, the common cold. everything all put together!

then fox news reports that 46% of americans at one point in their lives will have some form of mental illness.

are there really that many people that are messed up? or perhaps we can take another look at this. the society that we are living in is not how we are supposed to live. the pressures that are put on us to sucseed, the competition, the work load, the busyness, the disconnect. its just not how humans are supposed to live.

take it another step further and weed out all thos on prescrition medication and those who at one point in their lives or another will have a mental illness. now lets see who is left over. i'm betting half are self medicating with drugs, alcohol, pornography, or other various mental escapes from what we consider the real world.

think of the matrix, there were those who rejected the system. what if this is our way of rejecting the system. but the system says there is nothing wrong with the system, and that we need to take medication in order to deal with it. please dont for a second thing i actually speak of something like the matrix, it was just an analogy.

i realize that the days of yesteryear are often looked on with gleamy eyes and we pear back to an existence that never was. but i dont for one second think that 1/2 of the people that lived back yonder were mentally ill. i dont for one second think that they just missed out on taking all of this medication but they really needed it. come on now. what are we doing to ourselves to drive us to these points?

a steak is a steak. and even though you put ketchup on a turd, it's still a turd

2008-11-23T16:41:00.000-08:00

ok so furthermore... if we are flawed due to the fall. if at heart we are messed up, screwed up, weird individuals, then how could we possibly become more than what is in our nature to be?

we put on these shiny coats of normalcy and pretend that we are like what we perceive everyone else to be... normal. we try to keep up with everyone else to maintain the same normalcy that they seem to have. but it's not normal, it's not reality. the reality is that we are flawed, we do not have it all together, we will never have it all together.

but what is this? humility. it's a wonderful gift. what is the opposite? self pride. the only thing self pride will achieve is a way over estimated opinion of ones self. because if one is flawed but yet starts to think that one is not flawed, then what is it but a denial of ones self.

i'm not like you, but maybe you're like me?

2008-11-23T10:09:00.000-08:00

for most of my life there has been a war going on in my mind. i have never felt good enough to be loved. i have never felt smart enough. never felt as attractive. and at some point in my life there was a voice that came along and said that "you are good enough" and all the other things that are ego boosters or whatever.

thats when the war really started. it seemed like i didnt know who my real enemy was. i labelled the other voice self doubt and gave it a bad image, while the other voice i said was the real me. it was the me that believed in myself. the me that said i was good enough and worth just as much as everyone else was.

to be clear. i never thought i was better than anyone else. it is just that i never thought i was as good as anyone else.

thanks to a wonderful friend of mine i now understand who the real me is.

the real me is the person who is not good enough. the person that is not attractive, the person that is not smart.

all of this time the voice that was saying yes you are was just me trying to be someone i am not.

i have heard the word so many times but i never grasped what it meant. and since i never associated myself with being arrogant i always assumed i was being humble. but thats who the real me is. and its ok. because i dont need to feel as good as anyone else. i now know that it's ok to be humble. that i dont have to compare myself to this lives standards. i dont have to live in a constant battle between selves. i can live in humility and acceptance. it's such a wonderfully freeing thing.

i am not likable.... but there are those who like me

i am not worthy.... but there are those in my life that look past that

i am not a good person.... but i am covered by grace

i am not capable of controlling my circumstances... but God will see me through

now that i have submitted to who i really am i have found it completely freeing. i dont need to worry if i am doing something that people will like because i dont have to be likable. not that it means i will intentionally do things that people dont like. it's just i'm free to be who i am without worrying about what people think of me.

i dont have to worry about the clothes that i wear and if they fit in with the cool kids. i dont have to worry about my hair and if its the right style.

no i realize this is all very elementary, but for me this was an astounding epiphany.

what a wonderful ride.

Seeing is believing? or whats redder isnt better.

2008-11-21T05:43:00.000-08:00

just a short note here. are you a fan of hamburger as much as i am? i love grilling up burgers during the summer. great stuff! but i dont know why it is that we must be decieved in order to buy meat.

did you know that fresh looking hamburger that you buy at your local store is tampered? you know hows its all red and juicy and bloody? looks good huh? well of course its a lie. meat is not red and bloody like that. well at least not the meat that you buy at the stores that you shop in. once you open up the package and cut into the meat you will see its actual color and texture. a sort of drabbish grey pink color. but in order to sell us meat and to make it appear fresher there is a solution that is applied to it.

why? do we seriously have to be led into thinking that meat doesnt look like meat in order to buy it? cant we just sell it as it actually is? is it necessary to dumb people down or to change reality????

i guess it is because we have become a society of people who are not what they are. everything is fake and real is a rare beautiful thing.

God Bless America

2008-11-19T16:29:00.000-08:00

i mean that. i hope that God blesses our country. i hope an amazing thing happens in our country that reverts us back to a culture with meaning and depth. it's just not what i see right now. we were founded on such great ideals. our justice system was fantastic. i dont care if you say it's flawed or not, everything is flawed anyway. our justice system was about as good as it gets.

what would you think of a country that held people without a trial or being charged and held them for an undisclosed amount of time? what would you say about a country that went into peoples houses and did searches without authorization? or listened in on conversations?

we are doing that. we are being herded into the butcher shop without ever even knowing that we are being herded. we have given up our freedoms and our privacy.

we used to be respected in the world and admired. the greatest country on earth. but now through fear (which is a sin remember) we have created a nation that is looked down upon and looked at like a bully. we have let the patriot act go through which gives our government the right to search houses without a warrant, they can do wire tapping without authorization. we are storing people without ever charging them for crimes and we're holding them for an indefinite amount of time. we couldnt even do it on our own country because then they would be called prisoners of war. so we set aside a place outside of our country and are calling them detainees so we can get around international treaties.

what the heck?! i friend of mine at work argues with me. he tells me that since he's not doing anything wrong that its ok for people to listen in to his phone conversations and search his house... because he's not doing anything wrong. it's an invasion of privacy. where exactly is it that our freedoms come in to play here? or to what limit are we willing to give up our freedoms to be safe from a buzz word??

in the 60s 70s and 80s it was communism. today it's terrorism. i dont know what it will be in 20 years. but people get in such a frenzy that they are willing to give up our rights over a fear tactic!

i'm sure you know that we now have a preemptive strike policy right? let me ask you a question, when you were in school and there was a fight, what was the first question asked? who started it... whoever started it was to blame right? now you could say 1 kid started it by calling another kid names. but that instigation was by no means worthy of having teeth punched out. if we're going to be the best country on earth we need to act like a mature country.

i know there were attacks on our national soil. it was a terrible thing and i hope it never happens again. but we can not tour the world bombing other countries at our own free will. taking people from their homes and holding them without a trial. the only thing this will do is create a much larger national security risk.

the founding ideals of our justice system is that a man is entitled to his day in court. to defend himself from what he is being accused of. hes not called a defendant for no reason. its the same as a fight... you fight to defend yourself. if you take away a mans ability to defend himself, then he can be accused of anything at all!

now i know most people in this country have a very limited view of other countries. somehow they are dehumanized. we dont care about the atrocities in other regions, as long as they are not happening here. thats why we let our corporations go overseas and take advantage of sub standard employment. if we were working 8 year old kids 80 hours a week for $5 the news would be all over it. but overseas... no. as long as we get cheap things we will overlook whats happening.

but they are people! they are just as worthy of all the things that you are. our moral standards should not change because we hit an imaginary border line for a country. what is right and true crosses all lines.

and for those people out there that say the ignorant statement of lets nuke them or bomb them, you should think again. you have no right to somehow elevate yourself over someone because they are in another country... why do you think we are looked down on? part just for that attitude!

most people in other countries are just like you and me. they get up in the morning put their clothes on, go to work, and try to provide for their families. if you think that every person in a country is just ready to fight fight fight i'm sorry you're sadly mistaken and your alarm needs to go off so you'll wake up. as a country we are full of so many uninformed voters its not even funny. think you're smart? name every position holding person in your state and local government. i bet you cant. guess what? they are the same way. they have enough to do with just surviving and getting by. but if you still think its ok to nuke them all... you need to be put in a looney bin. to kill innocent blood is wrong!

2 more topics i'd like to touch on and i'm out

1... our goal of "de-arming the enemy line" or however its put. the basic idea is to dehumanize war. to take the human element out of our hands. bad F***ing idea! look, it is wonderful we have our vets. they come back with stories of the horrors of war. they lived it. they will tell you it was awful! now if we didnt have people experiencing that. if we didnt have people seeing guys get their heads blown off or having to deal with the fact that they shot a child we wouldnt have to suffer the horror of war. if war from our side is played on a video game, then there is nothing to stop us, no trigger that says enough, we can wipe out an entire town. we must not dehumanize war! the human factor must be there to keep it in check.

and the second one here relates hand in hand. i was discussing this with a friend of mine about Guantanamo bay. he said we can not let them go because they would just go back and kill more of our soldiers. now my first thought is what are we going to do? keep them all of forever? or just kill them? sigh... but my point to him was this. we have to let those people go. if they go back to fight us, then fine let our forces take them down on a battlefield or in combat. he said... well what if we let them go and they kill one of our guys....

now heres the point people and please understand. let me say a few things so that you will know me better... i am an independent. i voted mccain for the abortion issue and basic tax issues. i am not for war. but i do love our soldiers. anyone that is willing to be in the service is doing good as far as i'm concerned. but the flat out fact of the matter is that in war there is death! there must be. on both sides. it is how we know what we are fighting for and whether or not it is worth it. think about it. if we could go to war and not have a single casualty, what would happen? we would be willing to go to war for anything. it wouldnt be hard. there would be no heavy price to pay. and therefore we would be more and more apt to go to war.

there are people on both sides of the fence in the war on iraq. we've lost something like 1 or 2 thousand soldiers. that is terrible as it is. but let me ask you this. in ww2 we lost 406,000 soldiers and 600,000 were wounded. would you be willing to lose the same amount for the war on iraq? would the war in iraq be worth it to lose that many american lives? i'm guessing a lot of you are answering no. there would be outrage, people would be flooding congress saying stop! now what if we went to iraq and lost no lives? would anyones head perk up? would anyone say stop? whats the big deal if we arent losing people?

war is hell as they say. and it has to remain that way. it is what it is. dehumanizing it would make it so far more worse and cruel then we could ever think about. we were made with hearts for a reason and we need to use them.

Fearsin or Fear Sin

2008-11-19T07:44:00.000-08:00

ever seen the stickers on cars that say "aint skeered" or "no fear"?

i will refrain from voicing my opinion on the actual stickers themselves, only to say that either the person who created them is a genius, or just had a moment of greatness out.

how about this on

John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

to put it plainly... fear = sin

fear is a sin, and sin causes fear.

in the garden adam hid from God. he was afraid of God, because he had sinned. fear seperates us from God.

what do we have to fear besides God? God is our creator, and savior. if we are saved through Christ do we have anything to fear? the mightiness of God is enough to cause fear yes. and that is always to be respected and given it's rightful place. but fear aside from that is sin.

afraid you wont get that promotion? how about that new house? loan wont come through for the car you want? are you going to be able to pay your mortgage payment?

thats fear. Gods plans are perfect for you. He asks tough things from time to time, but if we submit and accept His plans and do not fear what is in store for us (besides ultimately we will submit one way or another), it keeps us from seperation from God as well as keeping us joyful for His acts and works in our lives.

Matthew 6:26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

we are taken care of. it is often how we misperceive our needs when we get confused. especially living in america. we are a spoiled nation that has forgotten the face of it's father (to borrown from the dark tower). the feeling of entitlement and the craving to have and consume has given us a spirit in which we have set God aside to have the newest deteriorating things. what do we need to live, to really live? look around the world and you will see examples of how little it takes to live. if you do not have a new bmw you will not die. if you do not have a new armani something or other... it's going to be ok.

fear is in the bible 326 times. most of which is either preceeded by "do not" or fear God.

a friend of mine one time told me that there are going to be two outcomes of a given situation. 1 you will live through it. 2 it will kill you.

now given all of the situations that we are in even on a daily basis.... we are going to live through the overwhelming majority of these situations right? ok if we live through it then we can check that box off. even if its something painful, its only temporary. in two ways one is that our bodies are temporary, the other is... think about something painful you went through... can you actually remember the physical pain? no, its gone. it's as fleeting as this life!

ok.. if we die from the 1 given situation that will take us out of this life... we're covered right? if you believe in Christ and have a relationship with him you are covered. so check that off your list.

so really, cant we all say aint skeered?

animosity amoung faiths

2008-11-19T05:39:00.000-08:00

i attend the vineyard group of churches and enjoy it very much. i came from another denomination, at least in a way. i had gone to a church for a time period, but wasnt committed and didnt have a heart for it. when i found the vineyard it really just clicked in me. it's a great movement that is going on in this country.

if you've ran in any sort of church circles, well scratch that, if you have grown up in america you know there has been a lot of animostiy between the different denominations. i have even hear people at the vineyard speak ill of different denominations. it is not the norm. most people at the vineyard are very open and embrace our brothers and sisters of other faiths. my pastors even starts our service every sunday praying for the other churches that meet in our community. just the same i do not believe it is the norm of other denominations either. maybe slighty more prevelant in some. and i know there have been some pastors or preists that have come out against certain denominations.

i disagree with all of this. i think most of it stems back to fear. sometimes people feel that they have to justify themselves. in order for them to be right someone else has to be wrong. with this mentality if i order a steak and someone else orders a salad the salas eater must be wrong for me to be right (rabbits are rarely wrong from my experience). if someone buys a dell and i buy a mac, the dell user would have to be wrong (dang it macs are so awesome!). every little thing would have to come down to a right and wrong.

while i believe that there are certain concrete right and wrongs. i also believe that we are responsible for ourselves. and the only thing that we need for justification is God. we do not have to berrate people or tell people they are wrong. we do not have to say since you jump around in church or since you sit quietly you are not doing it right. we need to grow into a mature faith of acceptance of other denominations for their differences. if the body of the church shows the world animosity between its own denominations, all we are doing is showing the world to the world. we are supposed to be different than the world. accepting those not acccepted, embracing those not embraced. loving those not loved and helping those not helped. but if we cant even do that with our own brothers and sisters what hope is there to do it with the rest of the world?

i hear a lot of talk about unity. which is great. but usually when i hear it, it's used in a manner of saying... "we need unity, God wants unity, so you are supposed to stop what you're doing and join us because we're right"

are we not unified in Christ? are we not unified in our mission to spread the good news?

so before you say something about a denomination stop and think about it. is what you are saying furthering the the body of christ? or is what you are saying tearing it apart. are you saying it for your own gain? so you can justify yourself by saying another is wrong? remember, if you find yourself being spiritual fed one place and not another, the other person might feel the same way.

Disclaimer(s)

2008-11-19T05:14:00.000-08:00

if writing a formal letter i will use correct capitalization. if communicating with a customer i will use capitalization. writing a blog... i will not. i was watching the science channel the other day and they had an episode on about the brain in which they said humans can think at a rate of 100,000 words per minute. so no matter how fast i type i wont be able to keep up... but i sure am not going to let capping an i or first letter of a sentence slow me down more. the only time you'll see it is when i feel it is absolutley important to convey a message.... GO IT?

insomnia, affairs, lying, and abortion.

2008-11-18T20:45:00.000-08:00

This will be my first official mess i'd say.

I have insomnia. Haven't been able to sleep. Turn the computer off right?

Anyway, while not being able to sleep I sit here and think and there are a couple things that happen to pop into my mind. So we'll just go for it... ready... set...

Ha, jumped before the Go.

Ok so abortion really facinates me. Not facinates in a oh wow thats so neat way, but rather a I cant wrap my mind around it way. But let me back up and say my heart goes out to anyone tha has had an abortion. i cant imagine the pain and suffering that it's caused and i so wish i could reach in and touch their lives. It is often looked at as an unforgivable sin. I just dont buy into that. i think they need love and support. So before anyone thinks that i am bashing people here see the previous disclaimer.

wrapping my head around it- the doctors who preform them. i could see a doctor that is hardened going into the field thinking he is helping the person who is asking for one. i could even see the doctor preforming one. but i cant see after the first one how he or she wouldnt throw up and realize what they have done. it's the continuing on part that i dont understand. to do it day in and day out. Sucking babies out with a tube with so much force it rips the arms, legs and head off. or burning it alive with a solution, or chopping it up to bits? i cant get that. i tried to find some statistics on how many abortion doctors have kids. couldnt find any. did find a couple interesting articles on doctors that gave up the practice. i just image it is such a horrible surreal thing.

next up, in my randoms searches on abortion i came across an article that stood up for the right to choose. i loved it! still cant wrap my head around this crap either. send me some hate mail and let me know why i am just an unevolved man. but in this article the person gives count of a woman who had an affair and got pregnant. she didnt want her husband to find out, so she had a back alley abortion and ended up dying from it. and the person said that if abortions had been legal that she wouldnt have died.

i am very sorry the woman died. it's a terrible thing. but lets face facts. if she wouldnt have had an affair she wouldnt have died (well at least not because of that) and if she wouldnt have been afraid to tell the truth she wouldnt have died. so the defense of the pro choice movement in this case is just baffling.

cant wrap my mind around this stuff. what happened to the american dream? was it a dream i had? at one point in time wasnt it noble to do the right thing? werent people admired for doing the right thing? or telling the truth, or facing their actions? when did we trod on down the dellusional path that there are no consequences to our actions? it's just freaking plain physics people! and we wonder why our kids are so messed up? tell them everything you want! tell them not to steal but sure, download movies and music for free. tell them not to lie, but when you get pulled over by a police officer, lie to get out of the ticket. tell them not to use drugs, but medicate yourself with booz, pills, and porn.

i think our society has had an aboriton on itself and we're the left over aftermath.

a couple more things....

i'm not a downer, just a jaw dropped individual that gets caught up in these glimpses of life that i cant turn away from. like watching a car wreck or a fire, or a really bad sitcom.

i do believe there is hope. i believe there are wonderful people in this world that are trying to shine and light others on the way. I believe in the mighty sovereign God and Lord Jesus Christ. I know that having said that opens me way up to personal attacks at my intelligence all the way down to my spelling... and i'm ok with that :) but asa i was saying, i believe there is hope and i want to be a hope bringer too. i want to strive to be someone that can be looked at and said, hey he's doing something different. i think we should amass an army of doing something different people. the DSD army! join us. "you made them strong, we made them DSD strong" i just really need help here people.

some thoughts to go out on here...

why is it that if a woman is driving to get an abortion and gets hit by a drunk driver and killed... the driver can get 2 counts of vehicular homicide?

why is it a man has no say in the matter of an abortion?

would you like knowing that someone had the power to terminate your child without your consent?

i know i touched on a lot here that all deserves it's own special time, and it will get that. until then...

stay gooey

first post

2008-11-18T20:35:00.000-08:00

Ok so maybe the first post should be explaining the title. I'm not good with titles, just kind of drew a blank. Then i started thinking of what i'd be doing, just spilling some random thoughts out. And started thinking, hey i wonder what that would look like. Probably pretty messy if you could see thoughts spilling out from my head, or seeping out my ears like pancake batter. so hence the name.

Have a lot to say, and i figure no place better than on the internet where millions of people will probably never read it (it's easier than paper and my hand writing sucks)

Pretty simply put... i'm a gooey mess. I think everyone is. We walk around in these bags of flesh, admittedly some of them are better looking than others, but at the end of the day when we lay down we're just bags of flesh holding a soup of all kinds of things. and thats not the messy part. the messy part is when we crack open the skull and look inside to see what we've done with the place. I like to observe people and things. so i guess we'll see what i observe...

all for now folks.